Sunday, August 19, 2012

Falling in love with someone else after marriage.....

Alright. I am a married woman so I am supposed to know about this stuff. Well, because of how things happened in my own life, I know not because of my marriage but because of what came before. When I was much younger, I encountered love. What did it feel like? I glowed. I was a slave to this one emotion. My life revolved around this person. I was literally helpless and intoxicated with this one person. In my eyes, the dude walked on water. I saw his flaws and I never wasted time dwelling on them. I did not explain them away though - I was a bit too smart to do that. But I put my blinders on. I had my threshold and he reached it and I bolted in a cowardly fashion. I took a long summer vacation to the US and never returned. Hah!

However, there are many women out there who have never experienced love for a variety of reasons. Here's a couple I have in mind:

  1. They did not date before marriage - met what seemed like Mr Right by mom and dad's standards and gowned up
  2. They dated, got infatuated with all that defined the man (money, car, good job, future prospects) and called it love. Got hitched and found out it was not love.
  3. They were born desperate and jumped from bed to bed believing that he who agrees to bed you is showing you love.
I have heard that some of these ladies find love after the fact - children and a hubby now in the picture. Is it possible to fall in love with all that baggage before you? So what do you do given the baggage sitting in front of you? At that point, how do you differentiate between selfishness and the desire to be loved?

In marriage, it is hard to look left or right because your attention is fully engaged by children, running a home, keeping a job (working mothers) and managing a husband. But, if hubby is not paying attention and you begin to feel neglected, you become attuned to "external wavelengths". You want to feel desired, beautiful, wanted, etc. If you are not getting it from hubby, you can easily fall head over heels with the Tom who shows up with all these endearments and observations of your cuteness, and is willing to carry the earth for you if you'll let him. Women who have never been in love before or have little experience in dating tend to fall for the attention and find  their vacant hearts a parking lot for these admirers. Our righteous persona says this is a "no no". But it happens and if you have never felt love before, you are a potential victim.

My suggestions to men: toast your wife daily; dish out compliments that are deserving; give her hints that she is still sexy (many of us stop feeling sexy when we are overwhelmed); take her out on real dates (not obligatory ones); kiss her not because you want to have S** but because you want to fondle and pet her; and share the household responsibilities when you can (carry the kids, organize them, offer to baby sit while she rests her feet).

It is not easy being romantic when you are tired and faced with the damn bills. But even faking romance can be the difference between having your wife's heart and having someone else take your emotional place.

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